"On a Journey".... In my dreams

 

This morning, I was woken up at 4am by a sad dream... 

A person I hardly met a few times in my life, but who seemed and felt extremely dear to me in this dream, worked nearby for hours, ignoring me, busy as a bee... Until suddenly he came over in the room I was in, crashing into my arms, crying and expressing his feelings, utterly betrayed by his surrounding, so fragile and vulnerable. I remember I was thinking of drought, and that he needed me to "water" him, fill him with the liquid of life... 

This all felt so real; I suddenly woke up and sat in bed for a while, to calm my emotions. Then decided to put my iPod on and get some music, as I often do when going through insomnia. I was listening to music via the earphone, in silence, as I always do, though the house was for once totally empty that night...

Then I thought about what a dear friend once told me, that all the characters in our dreams are different parts of ourselves...

I had a wonderful day though yesterday, with myself, with a bit of work, with a couple of good news, a Zoom meeting, and later researching articles for a coming project, then walking through our local City farm later in the day, delightfully sunny and in bloom with red, orange and yellow tulips, also buzzy with life, new-born lambs... 

But here in the dream spoke the unconscious, I guess.

I'm not going to call my half-stranger to ask if he is ok, I kind of want to but can't. 

But I send my best thoughts. To him and all the people currently struggling with feeling of loss or isolation. 

-

The songs I played that day are by the mighty Nitin Sawhney. From his albums Philtre (2005) and Prophecy (2001). 

Here are two songs that spoke loudly this morning.

'Street Gugu' (Prophecy)

I wrote on Twitter:

That sad dream about a half stranger woke me up. My iPod is trying to help. And I realise: how prophetic was that song...? @thenitinsawhney 

Nitin Sawhney- "Street Guru" https://youtu.be/ZvoZcYZmMwA

Nitin Sawhney - 'Journey' (Philtre)

Lyrics:

Every now and then

I fall into deep thought and self-examination

Figuring out

If I really belong in this world

Who am I? What was I born to live

Will I succeed or will I fall short of my dreams?

I know, I've got to find a way to move on

Yeah, to a place where I can be stronger

On a journey

Deeper inside

On a journey

Deeper inside my mind

I know, I've gotta find a way to move on

Gotta move on to a place where I can be stronger

Stronger, stronger, stronger, stronger

I'm on a journey deep inside my mind

To see if I can find the answers

To all the questions I've been asking myself

For a long time, a long time

A long time for a long time

I'm on a journey deep inside my mind

To see if I can find the answers

To all the questions I've been asking myself

For a long time, a long time

A long time, for a long time

I'm on a journey deep inside my mind

To see if I can find the answers

To all the questions I've been asking myself

-

Yes, that: 

"I know, I've got to find a way to move on

Yeah, to a place where I can be stronger"

That's part of the reasons for why I, melissa, am here, in Bristol.

But of course, today's England isn't the England I fell in love with in between 1997 and 2007, when I came to London so often, and listened to Nitin Sawnhey so much. Or even the one of 2009, when I first moved here.

So, can I even stay? 

Yet, England, you can tell me as much as you want that I don’t belong here, oh, don’t worry, I know too well!!

 

I was born in a place that made me 'homeless' from my very first breath.  

There will come a time when... I don’t know... Like, I’ll love the world and myself so much that it would not even matter where I am or why.

Not "on the road" anymore, well, global health crisis oblige, but still "on a Journey". 

On a journey

Deeper inside

On a journey

Deeper inside my mind